(warning for profanity and flippancy)
A lot of Godly War is happening off screen, and y’all won’t see the explosions because canon says so. Pretend it’s epic and awesome.
Elwë pre-name change and pimp coat is the embodiment of “snuggle into my large bosom” only replace that with manly pecs and killer abs, because he is so very manly and protective and a good big bro. He is all like “I will fight the fucking sky if it dares attack my lil bros”. Also, Olwë drools in his sleep but Elwë is a good bro and doesn’t mention it.
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So Oromë leveled up the elves’ tech tree before he skedaddled. They had enough EX Points for bows and arrows – Beleg Strongbow is crazy OP with them. Metallurgy too, but since Oromë sucks at that, they only unlocked copper. Because Mahtan has ‘copper lover’ as his second name. Look, the author is using canon for this shit and not making up everything as they go. And here’s Finwë. He’s the dumb friend, btw. Mahtan is going to invent unpaid internship apprenticeship because Finwë is bored. Don’t worry, Finwë repays Mahtan by foisting his brat on him. The author cribs an artifact from a Time Team episode. Finwë wakes up and realizes politics are a thing, and involve conflict between leaders’ egos. Already we have the divide that will become the Avari versus Eldar. Also more foreshadowing that while Finwë just wants everyone to get along, his decisions are only going to further divide people.
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Oh fucking finally, the main character! And here’s why chapter eight is titled “Of Sheep” – wait it isn’t? “Of Shepherds”? What the fuck is “Of the Shielding of Cuiviénen”? Was that really the best they could come up with?
Ingwë hates sheep. He hates sheep. He really hates sheep, m’kay. Mind control is used to keep the sheep from killing themselves, the dumb bastards.
Ravennë (Ingwë’s future waifu) walks up in her fly-est outfit. The author might have accidentally implied that she’s topless. Ingwë is surprised when she sauntered up but tries to play it off like he’s cool. Ravennë says that Ingwë is a soft boy who would make a great baby daddy and look after her kids. Ingwë gets pissed off because of fragile masculinity and the insult to his parents and because he’s a stupid boy that misses the hint that she wants to bang him. Ravennë disses another Vanya as a shallow ho. Ingwë doesn’t get the hint that she’s telling him to stay away from hot but stupid self-absorbed ho’s. Then Ravennë brings up this other random dude (a peer of hers) and how he just got married. Anvils, Ingwë. And that to get political standing, respect, and power an elf needs to get married. Ravennë is passive-aggressively upset that her opinions aren’t listened to and she wants them to, Are you getting the hint yet, Ingwë? JFC! This isn’t that AU, but she still wants to jump your bones, you broody elf!
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The author wants you to know that they have read a lot about the domestication of dogs. Oh, summary? Okay, wolves that aren’t as afraid of humans aka elves are the direct ancestor of dogs. Domestication leads to physical changes like neo-natality. The OG Stark elves find little wolf puppies and we can’t have dead puppies. Not even Morgoth likes dead puppies. So that’s why Finwë was originally at Elwë’s crib for dog food and then the plot of Chapter 3 happened. Yeah that shit way back, who cares moving on. Here’s the Primitive Elvish vocabulary word for dog. Now Elwë notices big doggies patrolling and goes !!! Big Doggos aren’t big doggos but angels protecting us! Thank you angels! Have a fish!
And canon says it was invisible spirits that the elves never knew about, but fuck that says the author, there were big doggies.
Flash forward to the end-ish of the Lay of Leithian. Elu Thingol is drunk off his ass and having a deep bonding moment with Huan the Dog.
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Finwë and Uinen. Seriously? WTF did the author pick this from a random Silm character generator? Okay. Finwë wakes up in the middle of the night –if ya’know they had nights– and here’s Uinen. She looks like an aquatic version of the nymph from Fantasia 2000 and is giant goddess who tells Finwë, “So yeah….your home is toast. Cuiviénen is gonna disappear because that’s how it goes. Ya can’t go back to the Garden of Eden. And Fëanor’s return to the purity of Cuiviënen is exactly the fascist bullshit 101 of an idealist past to lead to social regeneration that it’s supposed to be. Sweet dreams, peace out.”
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