Last few years been strongly wondering just what undiagnosed whatever -especially if unconventional or mild autism- I have, because every time those checklist posts go around I find myself mentally checking up to ¾ of them, but I feel I’m not and it is just the results of my poor socialization history and other factors – though said family history and the constant moving when a child that would greater the chances of being overlooked – and the reluctance and poor track record of my family to getting these sorts of things professionally diagnosed (Dad is prob Bipolar, Mom is …several things, Sis is …manic depression plus multiple things short of visual hallucinations and only got herself evaluated and diagnosed three years ago, we All prob have at least major depressive episodes…).

The big thing that stopped me each time I read the symptom lists and rebuked myself for being a ridiculous nerotypical was the sensory sensititivity, because I don’t really think I have any of that (but again- I have zero idea what baseline normal is and was raised more or less knowing that ‘normal’ was a societal construct and we don’t fit into a fake construct perfectly). Like the texture thing of fabrics- aside from despising anything with a tinsel woven in for glitter effect because those are itchy and everyone can feel that- it’s not something I feel I have to take into account and have to work around. I guess.

But for the longest time now I have been trying to figure out just what were those …panic attacks? I used to get every so often as a child mostly but I think even into my teens? it was caused by my ceiling fan when I was in bed – I would wake up in the middle of the night, mostly, and be overwhelmed and hyper-focused on the sound, sort of synced up and thus this overpowering racing feeling in my heart and all my thoughts overwhelmed and I had to try and refocus on the slower pace of my breathing or leave the room and like, it wasn’t until less than five years ago that I started thinking about those episodes (and they stopped, but I have to wonder if that is in part less growing into adulthood and more to do with never sleeping with the ceiling fan on anymore) and wondering if those were actually panic attacks I was having as a kid. Or just normal night terrors. Or jfc were those sensory overload related? Because I want to think they were just normal kid things. And the frequency of when that happened, judging by my spotty memory, wasn’t that often. Surely not more than months or years apart.

I think I have a clearer mental reference now though for the idea of what an audible sensory overload might be. Only …30% sure that that’s what I was going through. (40%. 50%…)

Ugh. I hate self-evaluation because its causes are all a mess of multiple intertwining factors and feels painfully annoying and unproductive.

Oh, the therapy sessions I need, if the thought didn’t horrify me in much the same way the thought of willingly entering a romantic relationship with someone and thus tying my emotional status with another and giving yet another person control to affect my emotional and mental state…. yes I have a deeply cynical and terrified view on interpersonal relationships only when they relate to me as opposed to anyone else or fiction. The very concept of dating horrifies me. And to explain that, pick from options of unhealthy relationship example of parents, undiagnosed mental issue # who knows what, or fear and disinterest in a chicken or the egg feedback loop.