My BIGGEST pet peeve when it comes to Tolkien is how people will sometimes characterize Melkor’s rebellion as being about him wanting to do his own thing and rebelling against Illuvatar’s oppressive sheet music.
THERE WAS NO SHEET MUSIC! Illuvatar wasn’t forcing anything. The Ainulindale was improv. Illuvatar just gave them the theme, the idea, the feeling, the starting point. The Ainur were drawing inspiration from the thought of Illuvatar, sure, and so long as they were in harmony the music played precisely as Illuvatar intended because Illuvatar had created them and knew how they worked together. But the music of the Ainur before Melkor’s dissonance was quintessentially creative, as well as corroborative. It was spontaneous, perfect harmony of free individuals perfectly in tune with each other, whose improvisations were constantly building upon each other.
Melkor’s rebellion was not about asserting his freedom of expression, because his expression was already free. Instead it was explicitly about making his own voice louder and more important than anyone else’s, and subjugating the creativity of others to instead convince or force them to follow him exactly in repetitive unison. And so, when Melkor’s goal became drown everyone else out, instead of make beautiful music together, his music became less creative, less innovative, and less his.
So it kind of annoys me when people talk about Melkor like he’s all for freedom of expression when he’s pretty much the opposite of that.
How.many of y’all been in jazz bands and gotten lead sheets for a song? Just the chord structure, some rhythms jotted out and maybe a few bars of a unifying theme? I played in student jazz bands for 6 years and let me tell you, the truly good musicians listen and feel out the structure of the song and when it comes to their solo, they’re ready and their expression shines. But then you get that one jackass who pulls something weird out of his ass during a performance and doesn’t follow the chord structure and you have to either let it sound bad or drown him out. It’s not freedom or creativity. It’s just being an asshole because you won’t play well with others.
This is pretty clearly reinforced in the story later when the Valar are all happily creating and building and inventing and Morgoth is coming along behind them and breaking all their shit like a toddler on a rampage in a nursery school. I just can’t see him as some noble antihero. (Nothing against people who do or who just enjoy that interpretation!)
Additionally I tend to see Tulkas as the one who fills the “destruction” niche in the pantheon moreso than Morgoth. This is not backed up by any word of Tolkien but I have long had a theory that Morgoth was meant to be Mankind’s BFF before he went haywire. Like, that was supposed to be his Thing the way the stars were Varda’s and the Airs were Manwë’s. There’s tons of supporting connections that point to this in the text, particularly in my mind that it’s a Man who’s destined to destroy Morgoth in the Dagor Dagorath. Not Eru, not one of the Valar, not an Elf, but frigging Túrin. Why? Because nobody in all the world was more betrayed by Morgoth than Men (and one Man in particular). His intended purpose was utterly corrupted in his actions.
This is specially clear in the paranoid lies he fed to Feanor about Men coming to steal the world, and the references to Morgoth hating Elves but *fearing* Men. Your insecurity is showing, buddy.
And maybe it’s just the Finrod fan in me, but his statement about Men being the inheritors of this mess with their ultimate destiny being to essentially heal the things that Morgoth broke in the world despite being (in the text) weaker, lesser, and easily corrupted…there’s a poetic symmetry and a ragged hopefulness in that that I find incredibly moving, all theorizing aside. The weakest of Eru’s children healing the wounds, including their own, caused by the failings and betrayals of the most powerful of the Valar. Healing wounds that no one else could correct despite their failures and weaknesses.
Time and again Tolkien gently guides his tales away from glorying in violence, instead holding up compassion and healing as the greatest work of all. Not just in the Silmarillion, either: “The hands of the king are the hands of a healer.” As presented I would argue that it’s not Morgoth’s rebellion that is subvertive, but Men’s ability to heal from the damage he caused. If anything, Morgoth is nothing but entropy – mindless, pointless, the blank space in which others bring forth defiant love.
This dynamic is part of why his stories deeply affected me and continue to do so.
Personally, I don’t really see anything wrong with giving Luke to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. What else was Obi-Wan gonna do? (He pretty much raised Anakin and look how that turned out, he’s not gonna risk Round 2.) (He could have given both kiddos to Bail and Breha Organa, actually. Luke and Leia Organa is a cool as heck AU.)
I like Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru. As much as people like to say Luke really is Padme’s son, he didn’t get those morals from her. (Keeping in mind I have read no comics or novelizations, and not seen the Clone Wars TV show) It’s pretty clear that Luke’s iron spine and goodness and refusal to abandon his friends come from his upbringing. Owen and Beru Lars are kinda the Ma and Pa Kent of the Star Wars universe.
And they are Luke’s family. Owen is Shmi’s stepson. Owen and Beru probably knew Anakin’s mother for years. It’s a neat circle, and in some ways it has the feelings of an apology, for Obi-Wan to bring Luke back to his family on Tatooine in the same way that Qui-Gon took Anakin. Obi-Wan can’t undo what’s been done, and he can’t start over, but he can give Luke what the Jedi denied Anakin: a loving family and normal upbringing.
Tatooine is Darth Vader’s home planet? Yeah, sure, but did Anakin ever go back to Tatooine? (Probably once or twice, I’m guessing, in the comics at least.) Darth Vader hates that place. Bad memories. Damn sand would fuck up his suit. He’d burn it all down and then the Hutts are gonna be pissed. And how many people actually know that Darth Vader is Anakin Skywalker? Like, about five? (Bail, Obi-Wan, Yoda, R2-D2, and Ahsoka?) Dude is not exactly getting invites to school reunions and the weddings of childhood friends, is all I’m saying.
Even if Darth Vader ever went back to Tatooine, Tatooine is a big place. The Lars Farm is in the middle of nowhere and Obi-Wan is hanging out left of the funky rock five miles past nowhere. Anakin met his stepbrother once in the entire film trilogy and idk if they even exchanged words, much less space e-mail addresses. I kind of doubt that Uncle Owen and Darth Vader are sending each other Life Day e-cards. (That’s really funny, actually.)
Anyway, the point of this rant is that I want you to imagine new parents Owen and Beru Lars caring for toddler Luke, it’s just after Life Day, and someone rings the doorbell. Owen Lars opens up to Darth Vader holding a fruit basket, because he didn’t know what else to do for Life Day and spontaneously decided to visit distant family rather than mope in his Evil Castle again.
(Everything Obi-Wan hoped would never happen, just… happening.)
Owen, after introductions, panicking, “Uh… the suit is… new.”
He has to invite Vader in, because it’s Life Day and how exactly do you tell Darth Vader to fuck off? Then Owen and Beru have a hushed argument in the kitchen while Darth Vader is sitting awkwardly in their living room with a drink that he can’t actually drink but took to be polite. When they come out, they introduce Luke as Luke Whitesun, Beru’s late brother’s kid, which they guess makes Luke… Darth Vader’s… nephew. (They can’t hide him, Vader’s already seen this 2-3 yr old Luke and the house is COVERED in baby and kid stuff.)
And Darth Vader just… fucking falls for it.
And the Lars family has to spend the holidays with Uncle Darth Vader who is super keen to have a step-nephew-in-law. Beru is showing off her cross-stitching to Darth fucking Vader as Luke plays at their feet. Owen is in the kitchen sending a desperate space text to Obi-Wan, who basically has a heart attack on the spot when Owen sends a shitty stealth-pic of Darth Vader on their couch.
Bonus points if the Lars’ don’t even move after this, because Vader left without issue and Uncle Owen afterwards was like, “It turned out fine. I don’t want to move, that’s too much hassle.” So, every major holiday, Luke gets a visit from his Uncle Darth Vader, which works out fine so long as they instigate a “Don’t Talk About Politics” rule when Luke starts getting excited about Rebellions and starts bad-mouthing the Empire (Vader making small talk at a Star Destroyer water cooler to his terrified staff: “Ugh, I’m going to have to debate my liberal 13-yr-old nephew at the dinner table again.”), and Vader even helps with the dishes and stuff, and every time Obi-Wan ages an extra year from stress.
Guys, please, the way this continues is that the general events of the Star Wars universe continue as normal (Leia, having literally just left a space battle: “Darth Vader, the AUDACITY of attacking an innocent diplomatic vessel!”) UNTIL the stormtroopers show up at the Lars Farm. (Luke is desperately chasing down the droids he lost and properly meeting Obi-Wan Kenobi.)
At first, it’s business as usual, y’know? Stormtroopers break down the door and interrogate the occupants and start prepping to burn the place down, and the leader is in the middle of shouting, “TELL US WHERE THE DROIDS A-” when he pauses and just… stares… at the mantlepiece.
Because on the Lars family mantlepiece and walls are, like, a hundred family photos and roughly half of them have Darth Vader in them. There’s Darth Vader wearing a Life Day party hat at a dinner table. There’s Darth Vader holding a toddler and playing with model ships. There’s Darth Vader and a pimply thirteen year old in the stands at the Boonta Eve Classic. There is a cross-stitched pillow on the couch that says OUR FAMILY on it, consisting of a man, a woman, a boy, and Darth fucking Vader.
Stormtrooper Grunt #1: “What… what… what the fuck.”
Aunt Beru, who has HAD it with these guys wrecking her house, already angrily jabbing at their space phone: “I am calling Mr. Vader RIGHT NOW about this.”
Darth Vader, excusing himself from the bridge of his Star Destroyer to take a call from his stepsister-in-law: “Beru. This isn’t a good time-”
Beru: “Well, MAKE TIME, because your stormtroopers broke down our door and tracked SAND all over my nice clean floors and they won’t stop yelling about the droids we just bought! You better have a good explanation for this!”
Darth Vader does not, actually, have a good explanation for this. The stormtroopers can feel his wrath from across the galaxy. It’s a work thing and he’s very sorry and he’ll make the stormtroopers fix their door, but he does really need those droids and could they hand them over, please? He’ll have the Empire compensate them. Yes, he’ll pay them back and send new droids. Yes, kicking doors down is very rude, Beru, you’re absolutely right.
So Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru promise to pick up Luke and the droids, and hop in the spare Landspeeder to go looking for them. Owen is Not Happy to find that Obi-Wan’s given Luke a lightsaber, and Aunt Beru is Not Happy to find out that the Empire’s made some superweapon. Of course they have to get these plans to the Rebellion! Yes, she promised Vader, but he should have told her it was for such a terrible thing! Yes, Owen, they’re all going to Alderaan.
So the Lars family runs away to Mos Eisley and get on the Millennium Falcon to Alderaan, while the stormtroopers are standing around like, “Are they… coming… back???” And Han Solo does not know what the hell is going on or what to do about the Weird Old Wizard talking about “universe-penetrating magic”, or the Grumpy Farmer who keeps trying to fix his “piece of junk” ship that excuse you does not need fixing, or the Sunny Farm Boy waving a light sword around, or the kindly old woman who is currently cross-stitching in his back seat and gossiping with Chewie like he’s not even there.
Later, after the Death Star’s been destroyed, Owen and Beru Lars are now a part of the Rebellion with Luke. Beru sends Darth Vader a piece of fabric in the Space Mail, and it’s the little cross-stitched Vader from her OUR FAMILY pillow who’s been cut out because she’s mad at him. (Except her note says DISAPPOINTED and that’s worse.) Darth Vader is more upset about this than the Emperor being mad at him for the destruction of the Death Star.
This is such a wild ride and I want more.
Please, kind writer, may I have some more?
See, the thing about Uncle Darth Vader is that the Lars family lives in the middle of nowhere Tatooine. Luke has to get his news off his friends, who have to get their news from shitty Space Radio, and the Empire’s suppressing a good three-quarters of the terrible things it does. The Lars family, largely, has no idea who this Darth Vader guy is except that he’s Anakin, who did a bunch of shit in the Clone Wars and he’s evil now? (Obi-Wan is dying, guys. He’s dying.)
Oh, yeah, quick summary: the events on the Death Star proceeded more or less as they did in canon. Except Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru don’t make convincing stormtroopers, so they tagged along with the droids and found the Death Star Laundry Service and dressed up as an Empire officer and his wife on their way to a vacation on Beach Resort Planet. Luke and Han sneaking Leia out is a lot easier with Admiral Lars and his wife loudly complaining to every stormtrooper they come across that their ship isn’t being fixed fast enough and sending stormtroopers marching off in every direction.
(The Empire… does not… have high standards… for officers. It is corrupt as hell. The stormtroopers look at this middle-aged, slightly chubby guy complaining obnoxiously about his ship not being fixed fast enough, and his overbearing wife complaining shrilly about not being able to get their deposit back, and are like, “This is legit. Also, sir, I’m part of sanitation, I don’t fix ships. I don’t know where customer service is… this is a Death Star. We don’t have customer service. Uh, I guess my ‘manager’ would be Admiral Bob??? Oh, well, you’re right, I should go clean up that mess you saw on the other floor. I will agree to literally anything you say to get away from you.”)
So, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru get to the Rebellion, right? (And they have already adopted the heck out of Leia, who has been given ALL the Aunt Beru hugs.) And someone starts listing off ALL of the awful stuff that Darth Vader has done, like, the dude is SUPER EVIL. And the Lars family is just… what. (And it’s a good thing that Obi-Wan is already dead by this point, or Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru would bring him back just to kill him again.)
Luke goes to destroy the Death Star and Vader is just like, “Luke???? What are you doing???” And Luke is ignoring all of Vader’s attempts to comm him and blows up the Death Star while giving his uncle the cold shoulder.
And later, at the Rebellion, people are like “Darth Vader is your uncle???” And Luke’s just like, “YEAH, AND A LIAR!!!” (Later, Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru will have a long talk with Luke about the truth and the lies they told. And Luke will forgive them because he loves them and they love him, but this doesn’t really change much, especially about how mad he is at his dad.)
Later, when they finally meet again. The rebels are just… completely stunned… because Darth Vader is desperately trying to get through to Luke, like, “Luke, nephew, please, let’s just talk about this. Beru won’t answer my voice mails. Owen unfriended me on Space Chat. We can talk about this.”
And Luke is angrily shooting at Darth Vader and shouting, “What’s there to talk about?! It’s not like you LIED TO US ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU DID BY TELLING US YOU WORKED IN I.T.?!??”
When Jon is still tiny, godfather Bruce scores extra babysitting hours by lending Lois one of his grapple guns. Walking around with it in her bag makes her feel extra badass.
He taught her how to use it and got to keep Jon for a whole weekend.
Dear god, the idea of Lois with a grappling gun is TERRIFYING.
Just imagine. You’re a CEO who’s been involved in some shady dealings, and they’ve come to light. You’ve spent the entire week dodging the press, and finally get a chance to relax in your office, safely behind three layers of security.
As you make it to your office, you notice a slight draft. Huh, who left the window open, you wonder as you walk over to close it. You sink into your expensive office chair with a sigh. This week has been a nightmare. Sure, you may have payed off some politicians and stiffed some contractors, but you don’t think you deserve this kind of exhaustion. You’re a businessman, after all. Everyone does this, you were just the one with the bad luck to get caught.
Well, at least now you have some time to yourself. You yawn and start to doze off.
“Excuse me, Mr. Paxton?”
Your eyes shoot open. Who said that? Your vision focuses and there she is, hanging upside down from the ceiling.
“Lois Lane, Daily Planet. I’d like to ask you a few questions.”
“You gave her a grappling gun?”
Bruce barely glanced over his shoulder before returning his attention to the infant he was shaking a set of plastic keys at. “Look, Jon. Who is that? Is that your daddy? Did he come to see you?”
“Actually, he came to ask Uncle Bruce why he and Mommy are conspiring to put Daddy in an early grave.” Clark held his arms out expectantly as Bruce gathered himself and Jon from the floor, inwardly sighing when Bruce stopped just short of his reach. “What?”
Bruce eyed his outstretched arms warily. “It’s Friday.”
“Yes…?”
“Lois said I could keep him until Sun-”
“Just give me my kid, Bruce.”
Bruce huffed his displeasure but did hand Jon over, and Clark could physically feel himself softening once his son was in his arms. Looking down at the bright-eyed, curly-haired little boy dressed in a Wonder Woman onesie and gnawing on a plastic key ring made it hard to remember why he was supposed to be annoyed with anyone.
Still…
“Seriously, Bruce? A grappling gun?” But he was smiling now, and it seemed to be enough to relax Bruce from his defensive posture.
“Yes?” One shoulder lifted in the barest shrug. “You already knew she had it.”
“I knew she carried it around sometimes, not that she knew how to use it.”
“She didn’t. Until I showed her. …That why I get to keep him until Sunday.”
Clark tore his eyes away from his son to fix his best friend with a look of resigned disbelief. “You traded grappling gun lessons for a weekend of babysitting.”
Bruce stared back at him impassively. “Yes.”
Clark let the silence stretch a few seconds before prompting, “Do I have to ask why?”
“Well, she didn’t seem interested in the Batarangs.”
“Bruce…”
“And there was no way I was letting her drive the Batmobile, so-”
“Bruce.”
Bruce gave him another few seconds of emotionless stare-down before his brow furrowed just slightly. “Dick’s at the shore with the Gordons this weekend.”
Clark suppressed another sigh, bouncing Jon a little in his arms. “You know, she would have let you watch him if you’d just told her you were gonna be bored and lonely. Hell,” he continued before Bruce could protest the very idea of sharing his feelings, “she probably would have said yes if all you did was ask.”
“Don’t swear in front of the kid.”
“She actually likes you, Bruce.”
“I know that,” Bruce insisted, stressing the verb in a way that told Clark he really wasn’t so confident. “We’ve known each other longer than you have.”
“Exactly.” But, wow, that was always weird to be reminded of. That Bruce and Lois had an entire history, relationship, and world that didn’t involve Clark at all or only tangentially at best. It didn’t bother him at all. It was just weird.
(And since that world was at least partially comprised of bizarre baby-bartering, it was probably one he was content not to be a part of.)
“You don’t have to be so…” Intimidated? No, not a good word to use. How about… “Hesitant about these kinds of things. And you don’t have to trade favors.” And it was maybe a little unfair when coupled with his next words, but Clark gave him the most beaming, disarming, sincere smile in his arsenal. “You’re family, B.”
Bruce’s eyes widened just a fraction of a fraction, his face warming with the beginnings of a flush before he caught himself and looked away, and yes, that had been completely unfair and uncalled for, but Clark didn’t feel even the slightest bit guilty.
“God,” Bruce muttered, glaring determinedly at the wall. “Fine.”
Clark beamed even brighter, unable to resist pressing just a little more. “Okay…?”
“Okay! Yes, fine. Stop smiling.”
“Not happening.” He did, however, tone his grin down to emotionally manageable levels for Bruce and turned its powers to Jon for a moment, chuckling. “But seriously, B. A grappling gun?”
“Why not?” Bruce shrugged again. He was still staring at the wall, but his glare had relaxed. “Seems to make her happy.”
“It’s dangerous.”
“Her job’s already dangerous.”
“So why add to it?”
“It’d only really be adding to it if she were bad at it. But she’s pretty good.”
“Pretty good?”
“She could stand a little more upper body strength if she really wanted to master it.” Something like… not quite fear, but maybe apprehension flickered in Bruce’s eyes, and he looked quickly back to Clark. “You can tell her that.”
Clark’s grin turned mischievous, and a singsong note snuck into his voice. “You’re afraid of her…”
“Of course I’m afraid of her. I’m smart.”
Clark gave a half-shrug and nod combo. “Granted. But still, I’m not-”
“Listen, Clark…” Bruce cut him off, his shoulders and mouth sagging in the way that signaled he was resigning himself to open and clear communication. “I know I don’t have to remind you, but Lois can take care of herself.”
Clark stopped himself before he could open his mouth, holding Jon a little closer and letting Bruce continue.
“I know she… I know we’re all fragile… squishy little humans you can’t help but want to brood over like a hen on a nest. Yes, I know I’m one to talk, shut up. But we’ve been watching out for ourselves a long time before you showed up. We’re happy to… We’re grateful that you’re here to help. But you don’t have to hold our hands the whole way.”
Clark once again let a measured silence pass. Then he tilted his head to the side. “Are you saying you want to hold hands, Bruce?”
Bruce looked the least impressed Clark had ever seen him. “We were having a moment.”
“I know.”
“You ruined it.”
“I know. I’m sorry.” Not enough to stop grinning entirely, but he did incline his head concedingly. “You’re right, though.” Lois had already said as much earlier. (Again, weird.) “But I’m always going to worry.”
“Fine, worry. Obviously. God knows I’ve called Dick three times already today, and the most risky thing he’s doing is eating amusement part hot dogs.” Bruce’s gaze flicked to the phone sitting on the couch, and Clark suspected he would have made more than three calls if he hadn’t been distracted by Jon. “Just maybe not so much that you barge into my house in the middle of the day in full uniform.”
Jon chose that moment to pat at the “S” on Clark’s chest, giggling, and Clark passed a sheepishly glance between them. “Noted.”
“Good.”
“But for the record, you’ve got negative room to be talking about barging into people’s homes in full uniform at any time of the day.”
“Also, noted.”
“Also, good.”
Bruce dropped his eyes to the tiny, babbling child in Clark’s arms and smiled for the first time since Clark got there. “Besides, Kansas, Lois might actually be safer this way.”
“How do you figure?”
“Now she’s got a way to save herself when she’s pushed off a building for the… What is it now? The twenty-eighth time?”
“Twenty-seventh,” Clark said with a sigh then blinked. “That… is true. She’s really annoyed by that.”
“So I’ve heard. And…” Bruce’s smirk was practically gleeful. “Think of how this broadens our combined horizons for inconveniencing Luthor.”
“That is a… very good point.” Clark nodded slowly, gaze drifting upward. “Perry, too. He was so pi-” His eyes darted down to Jon. “Ticked off today.”
“I bet.”
“And Steve moped for three hours about how he didn’t get to have a grapple gun…” Clark shook his head, meeting Bruce’s gaze again when a defeated laugh. “Okay, I give. You’re right. This is a win-win.”
Bruce smiled with false modesty, his tilted head and open-palmed shrug clearly saying, “Yes, of course I’m right, Clark. Thanks for joining us.”
“Yeah, yeah, Batman’s right, and Superman’s wrong. Film at 11.”
“Technically, Batman and Lois are right, and-”
“Do you want the kid back or not?”
“Yes, please.” Bruce shut his mouth and held his arms out to receive Jon, who started making grabbing motions with his tiny hands once he saw who he was being handed off to and gurgled happy nonsense once settled against Bruce’s shoulder, patting at his face with the plastic keys.
“What?” Bruce asked in response to Clark’s raised eyebrow, and this time his smirk was positively shit-eating. “Aliens love me.”
What if after the pit, Jay loses his memory. Freaks out for a bit, and somehow ends up back in Gotham. Gets a job at WE, and Bruce has a nuclear melt down when he walks past him in the copier room.
Jason: *Runs out of the room and down the hallway* I WAS JUST DOING SOME SCANNING
Bruce: *Chasing him*
Random employee: Is that legal?
Dick: So, if he lost his memory… What name does he go by now?
Bruce: Dave.
Dick: *Horrified gasp* Dave-Bird…
Jason (Dave): *Hesitantly opens Bruce’s office door carrying coffee* Sorry I’m late. A pipe in my apartment building burst.
Bruce: *Extremely pleased* How unfortunate.
Jason (Dave): Yeah…
Bruce: I guess you’ll be needing a new place to live.
Jason (Dave): Oh, no. It should just be a couple of da…
Bruce: You can move into the manor with your brothers and I.
stop blaming me for things i have no control over. i’m a good person, i do not deserve to be slandered for this.
also, jason todd: accidental millionaire. indie game designer, who created a free mobile app about batman protecting gotham that lets you unlock ( or buy, if ur that kind of rich motherfucker who spends $$$ on app games ) cool gadgets and upgrades and sometimes, sidekicks. [ oracle is not a sidekick, she is ever present and all knowing, as is the mysterious penny-one. the robins and batgirls come in five and three characterisations that you can upgrade. there is a batwoman, batwing, lark (??), flamebird, huntress, and if you’re lucky catwoman ]. he monetised the game via ads and honestly thought it would not gain traction but gothamites are the loyal kind, also see the one superman interaction in the game:
superman: you know, you could’ve just called for help.
batman: i work alone.
sudden random beeping and then a kid’s voice in a gothamite accent: holy jumpin’ jiminy, batman! is that supes?
batman: *stares into the screen like in the office*
curse u
jason todd is the only batkid that made his own wealth and it was because he was bored and spiteful ok. give me this monstrosity.
this is the style of the game and Discowing is the in-game name of the Nightwing character because Jason is petty.
don’t forget: the birds of prey song that is literally steph and babs and selina singing and it was meant to be a joke and never to be unlocked once you reach level 52 where bruce wayne is suddenly mayor of gotham and catwoman, black canary, and huntress crash the swearing in ceremony because of ~reasons and they sing THAT song because bruce says he’d resign if they do and they do it. and somehow word gets out that the song exists and jason, ofc would take advantage and put it up on itunes to sell it because he needs the $$$ he no longer has daddy’s trust fund and pEOPLE ARE JUST PISSING THEMSELVES LAUGHING AND THE JUSTICE LEAGUE ARE PROTESTING BECAUSE BATMAN!! YOU HAVE TAKEN IT TOO FAR!! CONTROL YOUR KIDS!!
also: imagine it being in the top 40s and becoming a meme. A MEME. jason todd, memelord.
After reaching level 77 players are given an obscure option after defeating the Condiment King.
‘Do you wish to press the button?’
If they press yes this happens and becomes the background music for the game for the next twenty four hours or forever, depending on how vindictive Jason is feeling when he put it in.
in level 100, robin dies. it does not matter which robin you have. they just die. and it reboots the entire game from the start. deleting all your progress, unless you manage to answer the question:
batman based his entire persona on which literary character?
the most common answer is zorro because psh, fanboys. ( the correct answer is the scarlet pimpernel, only 18 have gotten it right so far until SOMEONE ehemehemclarkkentehem panicked over twitter that a nice lady ehemehemarthakentehem told him the right answer ).
if you do however get past the 100, you get a free robin upgrade. yaaay! ( if it’s discowing!robin, coolio. you get discowing. if it’s hood!robin, UNLUCKY YOU GOTHAM IS IN PERIL MWAHAHAHA ALL UR UPGRADES ARE GONE. RESTART FROM SCRATCH ONLY EVERYTHING IS EXPENSIVE AS FUCK. if its restorobin!, well, you lose your robin sorry. if its girl!robin, you get upgraded to batgirl and its great!! if it’s baby!robin, lmao super!robin is here, you gotta control your outta control sidekick, send it to the farm to play with batcow? )
now there’s trolling and then there’s this.
trolling yes, but also!! free press!!!! imagine blogging platforms and avid players panicking because!! they lost their 100 levels progress and have to restart from scratch!!
rage quitting is a thing, or if you’re like me. playing it again until i win. ( the riddler got the answer wrong the first time and took a bank hostage okay; people found it comforting that even batman’s rogues, the ones that know him well, get that shit wrong. there was a three hour time frame where people thought that meant level 100 was the end if the game, bUT THEN SOMEONE HAD TO SPILL THE ANSWER AND NOW PEOPLE ARE AGGRESSIVELY PLAYING AGAIN TO GET TO LEVEL 101,
btw, the commish totally lit the bat signal because the mayor didn’t know the answer and wanted to ask batman. batman just stared. and stared. and stared. until robin pipes up, “tch. it’s sir percy blackeny, you uneducate–” he began just as batman shut him up with a hand and grappled away as gordon’s eyes bugged out.
imagine the Steam release tho. ‘A mobile port’ people think, and shrug and keep playing their mobile app because what’s the point, it’s better on mobile devices anyway.
BUT THEN
Jason doesn’t port the thing he remakes it, so instead of being a mobile app the one released on Steam is an RPG version and he starts trolling with THOSE tropes instead and now everyone has to get both to have the complete experience.
Imagine it tho, RPG batman with like final tantasy inspired sprites, if you have Red Hood on your team he can now access gunblade upgrades because why not.
There’s a point in the RPG version where the following dialogue option occurs –
ARE YOU COMMITTED TO THE CAUSE?
– JUSTICE!!!!!!!
– eh, I always wanted to be a farmer
If the player selects the second the game suddenly becomes a farming game and you can build your batman themed farm and batcow is there. It’s very peaceful but there is no way to go back.
superman is a playable character in the farm game ok, except the farm is in iowa. ( CALL BACK TO THE GOLDEN AGE BRUH, DONT FIGHT ME ) and batcow is a thing.
i support this steam release. and the hundreds of thousands of dollars of revenue it would create, but also.
ARE YOU COMMITTED TO THE CAUSE?
– JUSTICE!!!!!!
-nah, i got kids now.
and then it becomes a rip-off game based of home improvement where batman tries to be a dad and fails spectacularly and has 9 kids and they’re all crazy as fuck and its driving him mad.
The logistics of the War of Wrath are pretty interesting if you think about them. I was wondering about what exactly the Teleri were doing for those fifty years besides being very bored when I remembered all those refugees on Balar. I’m not sure if Tolkien states exactly how fast Beleriand sunk but I think it was a gradual process throughout the war rather than all at once at the end. So you’ve got a slowly disappearing island and a lot of people who need somewhere to go but the mainland isn’t a safe place and the Teleri have a lot of room on their ships…
Basically, imagine the Teleri and Edain refugees. Generations of them, living and dying on their ships. Water burial becoming a custom because what else can you do. Tiny grubby kids who love the elves and are loved by them despite both thinking they look kind of strange. Elves visiting Numenor and finding descendants of that kid who wouldn’t get out of the crow’s nest (it was one time, please stop telling that story, Lady Earwen).
Followup thought: if the people on Balar moved onto the Teleri’s ships, that means Earwen probably would have met Elrond and Elros.
Imagine her telling them about Elwing and giving them the letter she wrote after the Valar’s wording of the choice gave her hope of their survival. Getting back to Valinor and showing Elwing portraits of them as adults and their reply.
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